I knew what I was being nudged to do. Give it away. But the practical side of me screamed NO. It's been another lean month. My mind kept rehearsing various expenses in the coming days and weeks ahead.
I felt sick inside when the opportunity literally passed me by. But it was the right decision -- the responsible thing to do. After all, we had a stack of bills needing to be paid. Groceries to purchase. And on and on.
But that nagging feeling lingered. Why didn't I give it away? What was the real, underlying reason?
I told myself, if God really wanted me to give the money away, He could provide me with an envelope to place it in. I looked around the seats next to me and on the floor by my feet. I sighed with relief when I saw no envelope.
After the service, I stood up and inched my way to the exit. There, on the ground inside the doorway sat an envelope. Crisp, white, unused, like a neon sign flashing in front of me.
I casually stepped over the white paper and continued on my way, all the while realizing what I had done. And my intentional disregard to what I knew I had been called to do pierced me.
I went home feeling completely awful about myself. Why didn't I give the money away? If I truly believe God is my Provider, why did I hold on so tightly to His provision?
TRUST. It all comes down to that one word. It's a daily decision, and one I'm slow in learning. Trust God and His goodness.
Later that day, I ran to Him. "I'm so sorry. I should have listened. I should have followed the prompt to give. I was scared. I'm scared a lot, Lord. I don't see how this is all going to play out. I want to trust You completely, but I still don't know how to do that."
That afternoon He revealed it had nothing to do with the cash in my wallet. It had everything to do with my progress in this TRUST journey. He wanted me to see I still have far to go.
The next day I received an unexpected package in the mail. My niece had a sign made for me with that one word, TRUST. She told me how much she loved the rough spots in the background. How fitting, she commented, because God wants us to learn to trust Him in the rough seasons of our lives.
She was so right. The sign sits above my door, a daily reminder to TRUST. That one word. It changes everything.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
"Worrying doesn't change anything, but trusting in God changes everything."
Copyright 2014 by Julie Cowell.