Welcome back, friend. After the unexpected responses and the incredible number of reads on my last blog, I know what I am being called to do ~ continue on this road of transparency and personal experience.
Much of this is tough to put into words. What happens in the heart often is. And I have hesitated. Because I don't want it to burden my son as I share my own path on this rugged, unfamiliar terrain.
But there's this ~ he has already been carrying a weight NO teen or adult should have to bear. What he has experienced over the years could have made him very bitter. Honestly, it could have destroyed him.
It didn't. Today, I see a man of strength...honor...faith, who has risen from the ashes of pain and confusion. He has emerged a loving, compassionate man with so much to offer.
I think he wants me to share. I think he welcomes my transparency, because he knows it will foster growth and will touch lives. It may even save a few.
This road I walk as the mom of a man who is gay ~ it's hard. Lonely! I feel as though I am trying to navigate a long, winding road less traveled at a very high altitude. I have a small group of dear ones who cheer me on, but this road is also flanked with stone-throwers.
Truth be told? This journey has triggered so much WORRY. FEAR. GUILT.
Oh, how I have worried about my son!! Have people mistreated him? Judged him? Excluded him? What injuries has he sustained simply because he feels no physical attraction to females?
Fear has been a very close companion. Will this cause him to lose faith? Because some believers have been the most injurious? What does his future hold? Will he be discriminated against? Yes, fear has clung to me like a relentless shadow.
Let's not forget guilt. What have I done or said to contribute to his pain and the hardship accompanying his sexual wiring? And what about the times I wasn't there to protect him, especially from the moral bullies of this world. Guilt eats away like a cancer. Oh, how I have failed him at times!
The flip side to all of this? God has brought me friends ~ glorious friends who want to walk this path with me, with us. People who want to understand, who want to take this life trek alongside of us. Friends who love my son extravagantly for who he is, not in spite of it! These friends, they are GOLD to me. They let me vent, share, cry. Always offering me their love and support.
Listen up. My journey? It PALES in comparison to my son's. I hope one day he will share with you personally what his own path has been like ~ and what his life is like today as a gay Christian. (No, that is NOT a contradiction.)
And to anyone reading the messages I am sharing from my heart ~ who use them to gossip, to judge, or to look down on us ~ I feel very sorry for you. I'll even go a step further and say, SHAME ON YOU.
Transparency and vulnerability are NOT invitations to hurt, belittle, or pass judgment.
They are offered in love to open eyes, to minister to others, to help people who finds themselves dealing with a similar life script.
My son is gay. As I bare this mama's soul, my prayer is that we can ALL get off whatever high horses we're drawn to occupy. And remember ~ we are ALL God's children, ALL dealing with struggles. ALL finding our way. May it lead us to a place of compassion ~ grace ~ love.